A different side

Caution, mirth and the wind

2012-02-12T11:09:00.006+08:00

Walking home alone after a night out with friends and the wind was my only company. Whispering closely into my ear and dancing around me, it was a jovial and pleasant company to fill the gap of solitude. I smiled at it.

I smile at the wind and it's constant flux and motion. It taught me that nothing would remain the same and the things that remain constant are the things that age slower than I and even they too, in the grand scheme of time will come to pass.

I smile at the wind because it brings me hope and it tells me that because everything changes, so will I as will circumstances. The wind tells me that scars in the past, like the rugged cliffs by the sea can fade.

I smile at the wind because it reminds me that new things will come and the old will soon be blown away. Then, I fear.

I fear because like the wind, time can erase much. A close friend now can become an acquaintance in time. Even friendships built on rock can be reduced to dust.

I fear because I can become like sand in the lives of many. A rock today, sand in the distance tomorrow.

I fear because I am afraid of losing much that I hold dear in my heart now.

But

I remember that because things fade, they become dear to me.

I remember that because they become memories, I cherish them.

I remember that because people die, I have to love them.

I remember that because friendships fade, I have learnt to love.

2012-02-11T00:38:00.005+08:00

And what would my next step be? I don't want a game of chess or cards. I don't know what to feel.

2012-02-10T00:06:00.004+08:00

Okay, spent the past hour trying to look for tabs for `The Secret' by Jay Chou. Sigh, looks like I have to spend some time manually changing the piano scores into tablature. I hope it's possible to play that song on the guitar. That may actually be impossible....

I just happen to be high now. Really high. Good Lord, I just did the same math question 3 times before realising that I made the same careless mistake 3 times.

2012-02-09T21:10:00.004+08:00

Finally a better recording of Marriage D'amour. Not perfect I know, but one of the better ones! : )

Visual lags a bit.. it took me 15 tries to get this video. Dad walked in on one, I sneezed on another... coughed once... scores flipped thanks to fan, etc.. Mostly mistakes though... Which is weird.

I play this song almost everyday and can perform it almost perfectly if I'm alone. Once I switch on the camera, I start making mistakes.. XD

I'll try to post one of Cavatina, provided I remember how to play it... and if I can find my tabs again.

2012-02-09T20:47:00.003+08:00

Light feet trudge on, a dying hop of joy. They continue their path, a cadence and placing seemingly familiar of the lack of companionship, no space or pace for another. Above, the sky darkens and glows an umber shade, like the last gleam in the eyes of a dying animal, brightest before its darkest ever. Familiar gloom flooded the landscape. 'Welcome back' came the absentminded greeting to nobody else in particular. A sudden red gleam burst over the clouds, like blood from a bleeding heart. Eyes cast upwards as the sun seemed to gasp its last breath before plunging under the dark waves of the horizon. 'the brightest and darkest sunset' thought I. And my heart took on the weary shade of the damp leaves that lay beneath, quietly whispering in the cold breeze. A last shudder, and all was silent. In the distance came the last echoes of dull and solitary footsteps. checkmate.

Interesting.

2012-01-31T21:53:00.002+08:00

I would like to, but I don't know the rules.

In memoriam

2012-01-31T21:50:00.003+08:00

It's been seven years. Nothing much is left of grief, save an occasional guilt of not remembering your past existence. I make it a point to write a post like this every year, on this date, so I would never forget everything you've ever done for me. I often wonder how things would have turned out if you were still here. Would I be a better person? More socially aware? Would I have greater knowledge of things around me? Would I be less socially awkward and conditioned? Would I still be playing the piano? I guess, I'll never know. But I remember. Every now and then, I like to assure myself that something had been missing and I do research on the difference between me and others. I know I'm not the only one, but of course it feels that way, I can only feel myself. As again, I bear the thought that if you were still here, I would play my guitar until you sleep. I still feel the guilt sometimes, every now and then, though less and less often. I can't help feeling that I could have been a better person if you're still here. No, I don't feel that, I know that I would be a better person. But such is life isn't it. When bad things happen, you write on the blog and imagine that the person you're addressing it to would be reading it, that the person would be able to understand, to see and the empathise with nothing but the words. Words do not bear such power, but I would say, it's the best I can do for you now, this letter. I think, all I can say is that I really really miss you. I never quite understood you. I just simply wasn't wise enough then to know. Today hasn't really been a very good day for me. I laughed, I smiled sure, but my heart wasn't at ease and neither was my mind. But I'm glad of what you left me. I dare say that you created this side of me, to reflect, to think, to really feel and sometimes, to cry. Maybe if you were still here, I would still have that side and more, but I'll really never know. Seven years too late to say this and I'm unsure if I ever told you this, but I love you very much. In three years, it will be a decade and I , an adult. Maybe then I'll have the capacity to still understand you from what fragments I can recall or will rediscover within me.

The Angel

2012-01-29T10:13:00.001+08:00

A scribbling pen and a silent blank smile
And eyes that reflect the world all around.
With a mind that can feel though the absence of a heart
The Angel mourns a life from which he can never ever part.

For mortals through the centuries he has watched love and sin
Amid all wrongdoings there is forgiveness from their kin.
He had understood the transience of the world through our eyes
Seeing us live as we laugh, smile and cry.

Beauty only lives as long as it can die,
Only mortals can feel this as time is never kind.
But the Angel can only see this he can never be a part,
For immortals cannot comprehend the meaning
of death.

Max.L

On the idea of immortality.

2012-01-01T02:05:00.002+08:00

All my resolutions are within the letter I wrote to myself at the close of the CCAAB camp. I truly hope to be able to achieve those aims written inside or (also written inside) I'll spend much of army reflecting over my mistakes. One last year in JC. I'll have to use this year well. For my academics, social life(non-existent still) and running life.

Camp and Christmas

2011-12-26T18:38:00.001+08:00

Camp
Youth Camp is usually an event where people are touched, the gap between the university students and secondary one students is closed and people basically get to know each other more. For me? Camp was hectic. Thanks to the rain, the first day was a mess. We had to push one of the games into the second day when (thank God) it started raining only after we had finished all our games.

There wasn't much bonding or talking for me because every single meeting with the games committee, which consisted of myself, Sherrill and our mentor Paul, was spent brainstorming (mostly done by Paul) and finalising game plans. During the camp itself, I spent much time preparing for games, and although I did have fun, it was quite disheartening to see people complaining about the game in which we had put the most effort and time.

Logistics was a nightmare and I realise the importance of having to make decisions according to your own discretion with the willingness to take responsibility should your decision cause certain shortcomings in the execution of the game plans. Thankfully, the last minute preparations I made did not result in any and all the games were carried out without much problems.

Nonetheless, I feel no closer to anyone although I have noted that my working style clashes greatly with some of my team members. That however, is not to say that I did not have fun. I most certainly did.

This camp was certainly quite a different experience for me. And a note to readers. Book your campsite EARLY. By early, I mean ONE YEAR early. The BB/GB campsite was a budget nightmare for the admin section of the committee. You have to rent the bunks ($100 a night for a room of 10 beds) , the function room ( $250 per 3h session) and the kitchen ( $60 a day) SEPARATELY. Even then, the compound isn't yours. You have to share it with about 2-4 other organisations at any one point of time.... Seriously. Expensive and non-exclusive. Wouldn't recommend it unless it's the only available campsite (there's a good reason why it's not fully booked).

Christmas Eve
After a day spent mostly sleeping, it was the eve of Christmas. I spent the morning at Macritchie training. Unfortunately, I also had diarrhoea that morning and very nearly had to go for an early change of clothes (if you know what I mean). I still ran 8 of my 12 km (albeit with a horrible timing) and spent the next 20 mins on the grass patch with the strangest feeling of a churning stomach mixed with the relief that the toilet was only 30 seconds away. Thankfully however, I did not require usage of the aforementioned until training had ended.

After a short lunch with a two people that are fast becoming my best friends (Of their friendship, I am grateful, I didn't expect to make such friends in Junior College) , I left for Nickolaus' house. Nothing eventful, I just met Jonathan again (after one long year), played some games on his PS3 and went home with my family. A good lunch I had there though.

Back home, I helped my dad make preparations for the guests (taking out tables , chairs etc.) and then waited for the arrival of the first few. Upon arrival, Paul immediately started setting up his Kinect and projector. Took a while, and he encountered difficulties but Mark figured it out.

About an hour later, almost everyone was there and the other youth were already playing Dance Central courtesy of Paul and the adults were out in the driveway eating and talking (I think). I got bored and asked Amos to teach me more drills for Wing Chun. Nathaniel, Aaron and Damia got interested too and joined us. So imagine the scene, with a bunch of youth in the living room playing dance central , and about 5 people doing wing chun drills in the conjoined dining room. Hilarious.

Christmas
Woke up at 11am, mixed up a banana and chocolate chip brownie in about 15 mins (my sisters had already been baking for about an hour) , left for church for soundman duty.

I arrived about half an hour late, but thankfully, Daniel had already set everything up. It was the first time we used 12 channels with the new mixer. 8 singers that day.. seriously. With solos during the carols, I actually had to pay attention for worship practise for the very first time. Nothing much worth mentioning about soundman duty. It would bore you to death. Anyway, remember the brownie? I just mixed it due to time constraints and my sister helped me put it in the oven. It turned out looking like something you would see in the toilet bowl after a night of seafood dining. Anyway, I took it from my dad's car (the rest of my family had came to church later), and left for Clementi.

I met Shaun, Jun An and Yun Mei at the MRT station and we made our way to Andrea's house from there. Jordan was very late so we left without him. I won't go into the details, but I pretty much spent the night making jokes about Jordan and Andrea, an action that was met with both feigned anger and laughter. Andrea has an interesting family, that I'll say.

That was pretty much how I spent my Christmas and I wouldn't change how I spent it. Okay , except maybe the eve of Christmas. I did have fun learning a bit of Wing Chun from Amos (I got a bruised forearm for that), but I was downright bored and as the host family, I couldn't exactly retire to my room.

My week!
Training tomorrow.

Soccer Match with secondary school pals on Wednesday followed by a potluck dinner with my cell group.

Training on Thursday morn and Seniors Farewell at night.

Possibly CIP on Friday.

I could have sworn that my level of English has decreased over the holidays. Something I intend to remedy by tonight; Alongside my untouched(mostly) holiday homework.

Bought but not given
A gift with no recipient

2011-12-16T22:24:00.001+08:00

Interesting... I can write 1.7k words for a game proposal... My literature essays are far less.

A late post

2011-12-01T12:11:00.001+08:00

The past many days has been a whirlwind of bus rides, crowds and laughter. I am indeed glad to be back and I feel like I need some time alone. Ironic that I am an extrovert. I cut loose a lot more than I would during this period and I would like to return to my ideal externally impassive countenance, if it existed anywhere outside my mind.

That aside, I am suddenly thankful for the silence that fills my room, interrupted by occasional chirps of a mynah outside my window. I however, do miss the company and chatter of those same few friends. I also miss the company of a few others I had not seen in many a month or day. I don't feel like boring anyone with a detailed log of what I did but an update on what I had been up to seems to be in order.

16th to 19th November: CCAAB

20th to 1st December : Yunnan OCIP

CCAAB was fun, that's all I'll say about it. So was Yunnan.the scenery was so surreal. At the gardens I could just stand on the bridges forever, basking in the sun with my eyes closed and the gentle wind in my hair, intoxicated by the clear scent of the untainted mountain air.

I would save Yunnan for conversations. CCAAB is something classified and apparently shouldn't be talked about online(according to the teachers) and I concur with that sentiment. All I can say is that several bad first impressions I had of some people in school have been changed in a rather positive manner.

Coming back home was a bittersweet event. I had been lifted out of my life for that short while, forgetting all my responsibilities and duties. Although I did long for my bed (and guitar) among other things , I cannot deny that I had enjoyed myself thoroughly and made many friends.

The days after
I spent the next two days stuck in a fantasy world also known as the latest RPG game Skyrim. I got addicted to it but I also just deleted it. I shall stick to writing for now, and I have yet to pack my room. I also went out quite a bit (by my standards) and also met up with a few friends. On Saturday, I joined the OCIP group for a pool/bowling outing. And just yesterday, I met up with Alison, Glenn and Elvina for bowling. It's interesting how the friendship between the three of them started from Elvina and Alison (in my opinion) eye-candying Glenn. Then again, I have seen a friendships blossom from simply having mutual friends on facebook ( ahem Aaron).

Later today, I shall be going to Sentosa with the Cross team, albeit a tad reluctantly. I do not feel animosity towards the company, quite the opposite in fact, but I am simply tired.

For myself
It was a very dangerous thing he said to me, something that fuelled my ego and threatened to ruin my contentment. But I shall attempt to ignore. I know my place and though he disagrees with my sentiment, I shall accept where I am, not that it can be changed. I remember when she asked if I was upset and I answered No. Of course, it was half a truth. Or perhaps, half a lie. I was content where I was placed yet not content with the relative positions. Then again, that slight discontentment was somewhat fuelled by a misconception. I have no idea why he brought it up only now, so many months after. I shall be content. After all, I already know what is in store. Or a part of rather.

On an entirely different subject, I feel guilty that I haven't followed up on some friendships. I wonder where Timothy is now, or where Max is (another Max, not I) and where Vighnesh is. Honestly, life has the habit of throwing up so many people you get attached to for a while and once they drift out of your life, leaves you feeling guilty with no hope of being assuaged. But I expect those thoughts to drift off soon.

On Duty
During the trip, I had the fortune to sit next to one of the teachers on the way back. A strong and devoted christian I felt him to be and I had the sudden urge to voice out a few concerns of mine. Basically, I am not longer happy doing what I did. Every responsibility entrusted to me (save playing guitar for worship) was not something I had sought after, but rather, something that was requested of me and I had no heart to turn down these requests. As the year draws to an end, I am actually happy and excited to be entrusted with the running of the camp games. However, I too have to remember about the newsletter. Nobody reads it, that I know. The July issue drained me quite a bit and I recall sitting for about 2 hours, typing, editing and checking. Something I don't look forward to at all.
I voiced it out to the teacher and he didn't leave me with an answer, but instead, showed me the path to my own answer. I am still thinking about it.

And something else
It scares me a bit to see how occupied my mind can be about certain things. Or how occupied my mind can be thinking about the uncertainties of certain events rather. Or possible events.

I shall let my mind and body rest now. Though I suspect the latter will get much more of it despite equal effort trying to grant it to both.

2011-10-27T00:43:00.001+08:00

A bit of apprehension. Some fear, I admit some excitement. Perhaps some paranoia and maybe delusion.

2011-10-19T22:19:00.001+08:00

Wind

The west wind picked up and with it came a fell storm. Silent droplets dashed themselves against the pavement, barely a whisper in the wind's howl. Slowly, their whispers coalesced into a steady cadence that roared all around and a white veil slowly set across the land.
Where was the wind? Surely not this unforgiving blast that brings about dampness and lifeless gloom. Where was he that raced leaves against my shoes and ruffled my hair? And chased gloom and despondency away as swiftly as it would dark clouds from the sky. No, they are the same. It is the same.
Under the dull greyness of storm clouds I trod as a cold breeze swept around driving away warmth and cheer. As my feet stepped miserably from puddle to puddle, as the dampness engulfed me, there away in the horizon broke forth the welcoming rays of the sun, outstretched as the arms of a mother greeting her child.

2011-10-19T21:42:00.000+08:00

An inexplicable depression. I pray it not to be a foreshadow of my reaction to my examination results. A certain dullness has overwhelmed me.

Or maybe, it was just the rain.

2011-10-14T00:44:00.001+08:00

It's so uncertain. A shadow in the mist.

Examinations and after

2011-10-12T22:43:00.000+08:00

The hall is cold. Really really really cold. Symbolic of the fear we feel on the inside. Okay, enough jokes here. I shall not talk about the exams, nor will I speculate here about my results. I spent the first two days after my last paper at home. It felt really weird not studying. No, really.

Saturday was the only day worth talking about. Had a relaxing run with a few of the team and during lunch after, came to further understand the desperation of an army serviceman. Needless to say, my comments at his actions yielded retorts that more or less insinuated that I was less of a male than they were. Interesting to see his idea of a stereotypical male.

On Sunday, I went to Marche's with my batch of churchmates to celebrate Caleb's and Hazel's birthday. I bought a packet of `The Long Thing' for each of them and had a nice conversation with the man tending the store. Apparently he was the chain owner's father and because the girl that was supposed to tend the stall suddenly called in sick, he had to take the shift. They have a natural monopoly on that confection... Apparently they're the only firm to import it from Europe so far.

Started Monday with a meeting at Paul's house. Spent 4 hours finalizing the main game sessions for YE Camp 2011. We also came up with the framework for the War Games, which, I guarantee will be the most EPIC and EXTENSIVE game ever designed by the YE Games team in the past decade. The proposal is due... uhh.. in 1 hours time. Nuts. Met up with Jowell and Kelvin for a few hours of pool. I really missed playing pool with them and hanging out at Kelvin's condo. Kelvin appeared to have deproved a bit.

I was proven wrong on Tuesday when I received an impromptu invitation to play LAN with Kelvin ( again), Kenneth and Ben Chua. I felt... tall, hehehe. Played various LAN games for about 2h then went off for dinner. Found ourselves tempted to play pool again and had a 4h pool session at Pomo's POCKETZ. Learnt how to spin the ball and did some really awesome shots, including a rebound along the length of the table for the black ball ^ ^ . The look on Kenneth's face after I pulled off that shot was .... something I should be seeing more often if you get my drift, hehehe. Did I mention I really miss playing pool? Even then, I was thrashed by Kelvin... That session cost us about $9 each, a far better investment than a movie. Reached home at 11.30 after a long bus ride during which I contemplated various things that I concluded, at the end of my ride, was a waste of brain space. Relieved a few memories scaling the rope pyramid at a nearby playground and I quite possibly could have been there for an hour if not for the presence of a few Chinese workers drinking nearby. It would have been awkward.

Fell asleep on the floor watching a documentary about anthropology (my sister's choice). Woke up, had a shower and had a conversation with an unfortunate soul that had landed herself in a really interesting yet not unexpected situation.

As for today. I made cookies and wrote a bit.

Here, we wait.

2011-10-12T21:33:00.000+08:00

The horizon takes on an orange hue. Slowly but surely, the sun spreads her wings over the land, blunting the sharp edges of shadows that prowled the night, sentencing the darkness to a transient exile. Dreams are shattered and minds arise from deep slumber; Some fall from bliss and others rise from the depths of a fell land. Awareness slowly ignites in the eyes of the waking, a tinge of disappointment in a few and yet apparent relief in others. Yet from both ends of the spectrum do most converge, ready to face the dull routine and circle of life, work and death. But a bright spirit blazes within the wise, each day a new experience, a chance to gain greater understanding of this strange world. For the wise know that to see life as a pond and not an everlasting stream was to drown the sense of wonder, the one sense that grows less acute the older we grow. Familiarization is the bane of awe. One can live the same routine a thousand times and yet if he has it in him, he will see different things each day and feel the amazement of a child getting his first glimpse of the world outside his home.

2011-10-07T19:21:00.001+08:00

Sonata in C-minor Op.13 Beethoven. I want to master this by the end of November.

2011-10-05T00:38:00.003+08:00

A chessboard without players. Who are the pawns, who are the knights and who are the kings?

2011-09-20T00:13:00.003+08:00

See the world with eager eyes
Know them all: Truths and Lies
Hold within both joy and pain
And perish the thought that life is a game

Play not hearts and eager minds
To do so, a heinous crime
Always give but do not expect
Such ideals are hard to protect

A maelstrom ever of light and dark
Blazes within but naught a single spark
Can the darkness damn to yield its light
Should you always choose to keep it bright.

The first is to remind. The second is to crush dreams. The third is for you.

2011-09-18T23:41:00.001+08:00

There is a very fine line between being paranoid and self-conscious.

2011-09-18T21:38:00.003+08:00

2011-09-01T18:45:00.003+08:00

Well, aside from getting my collegiate pulled off me by five people, thrown from the fourth storey forcing me to run down half-naked in front of a few classes of laughing children, I really enjoyed going back to the Village to see my teachers and friends.

Well, mostly the latter, I came a tad too late and apparently seven of my nine teachers had left on an earlier chartered bus to some place, probably to celebrate their years of imparting knowledge.

I'm never wearing my collegiate into that compound again. Ever.
Note to self : Bring an extra T-shirt next visit.

2011-08-30T23:41:00.003+08:00

Now I write to fill the page and avoid punishment. The words come not from a willing pen nor an able mind. What a change. Now I hate what I loved.

2011-08-29T20:42:00.002+08:00

Why write?

Stories hide many things. Some mirror the life of their authors. Others embody the ideas conceived by their creators. Yet others write because they believe that it is the only way to truly discover themselves. Carlos Ruis Zafon wrote : A book is a letter by an author to himself.

I used to write stories. Not to discover myself, not because I have some grand revelation I would like to share and most certainly not to (shudder) entertain a few ideas in my head. Funny how a play written for the sole reason of entertaining a random idea in a playwright's head can end up being read as a play that `explores whether trust should be based on logic or feelings'. Infuriating. Worthless. But then again, what the author meant never means a thing. It is only what the reader can see that matters. After all, I'm sure Salman Rushdie didn't intend for a fatwa to be placed on his head.

As I had mentioned, I used to write stories. Fan fictions rather. Fan fictions of a video game, I'm not ashamed to say. Why so? I like the idea of having a world I control. In the world I created, I control everything. If I will it to rain and bring despondency upon the protagonist, rain it shall. If I want him to die, there my story can end, as I will it. No, I am not a control freak. Perhaps I used to be. I've stopped writing stories years ago and moved on to poems. Now, I would like to sit back and watch what the greatest author has to write.

2011-08-10T19:51:00.002+08:00

A three part post.

Life

Well, it's been a week since I last posted. Not that I have anything much to talk about anyway. I did two things for the first time the past week. I skipped training AND I skipped school. Being uncertain that I would be capable of finishing the 16km route that I needed to run on Saturday, I chose to instead sleep in and rest. A much better option compared to risking injury. Decided to skip school on Monday and met up with my secondary school friends to watch boxing back in SASS (a tradition there) on the eve of National Day. Needless to say, many had changed and those studying in the local polytechnics had disturbingly long hair, a sight I was quite unused to. Played pool with the usual gang of people at night at the usual place. A pity someone else had booked the room and we could only play for about an hour and a half. It was of course heartening to see my friends again and although I could have hung out with them late into the night, I chose to go home and train. Reached home at about 10pm. Started running at about 10.45pm. Running alone at night is quite an experience. The silence, occasional cars and surprised strolling couples was something exclusive to the hours near midnight. Ran to school and back. 16.3km. A quiet run it was. No internal turmoil to run off, no stress to relieve, just running for the sake of running. It has been a while since that last time I had a night run solely for training. Just some time to organise my thoughts and just.. think.

Spent much of Tuesday sleeping off the fatigue ( I neglected to cool down) and woke up in the middle of the afternoon staring at Nathaniel in the face. I had forgotten that a few families from my church were celebrating at my house. Played Poker (Without money of course, I don't gamble and neither did they) and eventually got bored. We went to a nearby park to talk and for some of the group to catch up with my neighbour, a mutual friend of a few of us.

I spent much of today thinking and reading random articles. Not a very productive day thus far, a situation I intend to remedy after posting this. Econs essay and Lit. essay plan. Yep, should be done in a couple of hours.

Light and Shadow

I had something in mind... but I forgot.... something about light and something about shadow.... heh.

Memories and a belated birthday wish

Your birthday was a couple of days ago. I wonder what it would have been like if you didn't have to go. What kind of person would I be? Better? Or worse? Not that I would ever know. Speculating on the impossible does nothing but bold the irreversibility of the current situation. A few days ago, I told someone something I had only learnt after you had left. For a brief moment, I saw myself within her shoes, the possible ignorance that I have had clouding my eyes maybe clouding hers. There is never certainty, but I told her what had been told to me five years ago. I simply never knew, nor had I matured enough to understand such concepts. I just didn't know. Yet there is nothing that can be done to assuage this guilt that shall stay with me as long as I shall remember it. Sometimes I even forget you exist, sometimes I have to struggle to recall your face. I don't want to look at pictures. Your voice, I have long forgotten, but that doesn't really bother me much now. It's been quite a while. All I have left are memories and I shall cherish them as long as I can remember. These memories may not matter now, but they made me who I am. You made me who I am and for that I shall be forever grateful.

Happy Belated Birthday.

In memoriam S

2011-07-31T23:37:00.002+08:00

Or not.

2011-07-26T23:40:00.002+08:00

Afraid of having reached a peak, where sweat and blood shed matters not. Merely confined within the boundaries of innate capabilities, which play the most part in making the person. More often now do I stumble over my words. My sentences come disjointed, my ability to speak verbosely (also known as bullshitting) diminishing day by day. And again, words constantly evade me, actively avoiding the probe of my mind as I struggle to recall vocabulary once cherished and overused. Beyond that, I fear that today's ordeal foreshadow a declining ability to push beyond my physical limit. Perhaps even to the point of crumbling my will to continue. Yet I wonder, did my body cede? Or my mind? Or maybe, I was just tired.

2011-07-16T00:23:00.002+08:00

Suppression

2011-07-11T23:44:00.003+08:00

But then you wouldn't be you if it was otherwise, would you.

Within Inches of a sparrow

2011-07-11T22:56:00.003+08:00

With the breeze in my hair and a certain weightlessness about me, I walked slowly. An occasional hop to mount the curb broke the pace of my footsteps, a steady cadence to which I was humming. Hands in my pocket, I closed my eyes into the breeze, enjoying the smooth and gentle touch of nature's hand. I felt the sides of my mouth curl into a smile and the wind raised my heart, releasing for that moment the vice grip that worry and paranoia had on my spirit.

I opened my eyes again, just in time to duck under some untrimmed foliage that sheltered the pavement. At that moment, a sparrow alighted on a branch, mere inches from my head. I froze.

I felt the imperceptible twitch of its head as it surveyed its surroundings. For that abrupt moment, I locked eyes with it. Its eyes spoke of an untainted spirit that knew no right and wrong, eyes that sparkled as they reflected the brilliant sheen of the midday sun, alluding to the lack of clouds that its flight would grant its eyes to see. Another twitch as it cocked its head sideways. A third twitch and it was gone in a rustling of leaves and wings. I exhaled slowly, then I smiled.

As I continued walking, a thought floated up. I wonder, I thought aloud as I did a small hop, what its name was.

2011-07-11T22:49:00.002+08:00

It's one thing to know you've lost.
It's quite another to know how close you were to winning.

20seconds away from being 3rd Mixed Team, 2mins away from champion. Meaning that if Coach had ran, we would all be $83 richer. It's depressing really. And another thing.

WHY THE HECK WERE THERE GURKAS THERE? I mean, they have a natural advantage, being accustomed to low oxygen levels and whatnot. Nonetheless, I still wouldn't have gotten any prizes.

On the upside, I'm 12th! That's not too bad I think. Considering that this is my first 10km race. When I find the resolve to study, I find myself tied down by useless things such as `newspaper commentaries'. And it has been a long time since I found myself immersed in a book, the light feeling you feel when all you see is words playing out in your mind's eye. The miracles that can happen during a bus ride home.

Turns out Wide Sargasso Sea isn't that bad a book after all.

2011-07-07T23:24:00.002+08:00

Well, my results thus far have been... disappointing yet not unexpected. Knowing the amount of effort I put in, what I have gotten was my just deserts <-- incidentally , it's not desserts as in the course that comes after the main, but DESERTS , a noun form of deserve. And yes, that's one piece of knowledge I've gained from scouring the internet for random things such as the above. And hence, the poor results.....

Math : S
Econs : S
Chemistry : S ( A miracle when you consider I studied for half an hour, literally)

The only upside was Chinese, for which I got a C! Looks like my aim of a minimum B for Chinese isn't that far off after all! And sadly, my Chinese class has now split into AD3 and SD3. I'm going to miss Elston's random and occasional outburst... and most of all, I'm going to miss having someone other than the teacher to consult when writing an essay. Enough frivolity, enough random articles and enough of surfing the net for hours on end. Going to start having 3 studying sessions with Nicholas next week. Min. 11h a week. Wish me luck and discipline. Quite unexpected really.. I can force myself to continue running despite feeling pain. I used to be able to get myself back in the court after spraining my ankle, despite having to limp throughout the whole game. But I can't sit for 3h and study...... Ah well.

Haven't had any inspiration lately. Have to stop looking down when I walk around. Maybe I'll write something on the small garden by a hidden walkway, a shortcut I use almost everyday when I come home from school. It's a small garden guarded by a small drain that runs the length of the path I use. The combination of the presence of butterflies and an inexplicable breeze lends the place a certain surreal feel. Sometimes I'll just lean against the railings lining the drain and watch the butterflies. It's during those strange 5 minute sessions when I really don't feel any worry at all. I mean, aside from church.

But then again, church sometimes gives me a bit of stress. Finally finished the mid-year newsletter. Many thanks to Grace for helping out with the format! Edward's format was...sketchy.

2011-07-04T19:58:00.001+08:00

A Stranger's Life in first person.

2011-06-27T23:24:00.001+08:00

Well, SSP , here I come.

2011-06-26T22:36:00.003+08:00

No, I am not insane. Hui Juan's story about one of her schizophrenic patients led me to ponder what a schizophrenic person would feel and think.
Here's a thought. If I can, without prompting, think of what a schizo would think, does that too make a part of me schizo? After all, how can I conceive a thought that isn't a part of me? Does that mean that to a certain degree, I bear the same fears and paranoia felt by the other person in the story below? Even so..

I'm screwed for terms. Chem.. Just chem and Lit perhaps. Math not quite so. Economics I plan to get a C or B min. GP: Hey it's just English right? Chinese : No comment.

2011-06-24T23:13:00.005+08:00

There he was again, staring blankly at a store window. I nodded a greeting to him, a gesture he immediately returned. A moment of silence followed as we searched for past impressions.

`You've grown.' came the comment.

The same words died on my lips and I offered a light smile.

`As have you.'

`Time holds us all doesn't it.'

`Regretfully so.'

A certain thoughtful stillness descended as we both pondered the confinement of mortality. I read the same expression in his eyes, the same distant and hopeful mirrors that echoed the presence of a spirit that dwelled on the past and prayed for the future. He shook his h/ead, an indication that he was about to begin on an unrelated topic, an idiosyncrasy I was well familiar with, having known him for the better part of my life.

`You know, sometimes I just feel so weird.', he opened with a cliche that had prompted the start of many a heartfelt talk.

In my own typical fashion, I blinked once and nodded, knowing that his years of having had me as company would too have long familiarized him with my body language.

`I would not go as far to say I am unstable, but I must say that I am indeed rather paranoid.'

I raised an eyebrow. `In what ways?'

`Well, no matter what my conscious opinion, my mind will always appear to conceive the most incredulous is theories'

`I'm afraid you're going to have to give me more that that'. I chuckled

`mm, here's an example, on the bus, when I heard people laugh, the conscious me ignores it. But.. '. He paused and glanced away.

I leant forward, interested. `But?'

`A completely absurd thought that they are laughing at me would surface, no matter what.'

I laughed. `That's nothing!'
`Everyone has it, just to varying degrees! It's just a bit of self-consciousness.'

`You don't understand, sometimes, I feel that others are out to get me' he snapped.

A dip in his tone, and his accompanying gestures became sharper and faster.

`Whenever people talk to me, I feel that they hate me, I don't think that they hate me, but I somehow.. feel that they hate me. Even if I know them as my best friends.'

`That's a tad melodramatic don't you think?' I shifted my weight on the seat
`For starters I don't hate you. Let's get this clear.' I gave a faint smile as I gave a slight gesture.

`And now, I feel that you're lying'. He muttered, looking down.

`Look now, this is absurd!' I cried.
`Your thoughts don't control you. You choose what you want to think!'

`Forget it. Like I said, nobody understands. It's not as if you really care' he interjected with a hint of derision.

I started to protest his accusation, but he had already gotten up.

`Farewell then', came my unheard whisper as I did likewise.

The sky had by then grew darker. The streetlights shone a dull orange, spreading a sepulchral veil over the place. I frowned and turned back.

In the store window, I saw the same blank confused expression staring back at me. I slowly raised my left hand as he too raised his right.

I closed my eyes slowly and opened them again, my breath caught in my chest. He was still there, his right hand up, an awkward farewell and his eyes, too half closed.

`Oh'. we both mouthed in unison, confusion reflected in our eyes as a light drizzle drew a faint curtain around us.

`Oh'. said I.

2011-06-24T02:07:00.003+08:00

An old picture, taken almost three years ago. With a camera phone! N73 FTW! I only wish I had it again. Or at least, a phone that can take a decent picture.

Ironic considering the small armoury of lenses and camera system my Dad has..... I'm just too lazy to learn how to fully utilize those.

2011-06-21T22:12:00.002+08:00

Yet I wonder is there cause for it to be?
Or merely habits that won't die easy.

2011-06-21T21:12:00.002+08:00

Last Saturday, I did something bad. A crime, if you can deem it so. If the same action was committed by my peers, I would view it with the same disappointment as I did myself.

I walked during a training run. No seriously, I was discussing with Manoj some `rules' that people would never forget in racket sports. An example for both squash and badminton was that one would always do his/her best to receive the ball/shuttle. Giving up and not attempting would be considered bad sportsmanship and perhaps even disrespecting your opponent.

For running, the only real opponent is yourself. So in that same way, by walking, I disrespected myself. I mean, if one cannot have the will to even persevere during training, much less could he do so for a race.

On a lighter and perhaps even humourous note, the reason I did so was because I was on the verge of answering nature's call in a most inappropriate place. The urge was so strong that I was considering three options.

1)Turn back and run back to the toilet.
2)Do like James did and void my bowels army-style...
3)Continue running.

Well, I chose 3 in the end... and the urge somehow went away... in the end, I didn't even need to go to the toilet...

Well, that was last Saturday. Sunday... well, stayed home and studied (a bit).

Monday, ah. Monday. Went to Say jye's house to jam. Played the drums (rather badly I must admit) while Hsien Wei played the keys, Say Jye on the bass , Weitian played her cello and Weng Sun played as the guy in the corner. (geddit? Humourous use of the ambiguous word `played'.. nevermind). I had fun, that's all I would say...

And well.. today. 16km on a route that has no trees on a sunny day is .... well, exactly as it sounds like. The only thing really missing was the smell of slowly roasting flesh. Spent two hours in mental seclusion in the library playing with numbers, the consequence of ... being in mental seclusion NOT playing with numbers for a large part of the past three weeks. Really, I have got to go out more, stop spending time at home doing ... well, I have no idea where the hours went to, really. At any rate, three chapters of mathematics await me tonight. Not that I mind(much). Math is after all, the metaphysical building block of this world.

2011-06-16T23:25:00.002+08:00

Remember the past, remember the falls, remember the hidden doors. Peril lies not far from here I caution you once more. Don't delude thyself and weaken the mind for the world isn't that kind. Just remember the events cheerless and bleak, don't let history repeat.

2011-06-16T14:38:00.003+08:00

This shall be a rather wordy post, and a boring one at that. Do read at your own risk.

To start this post off, I would like to commemorate my feeble attempt to wake up and watch the Lunar Eclipse. I set three alarms on my watch, and yet, woke up to ironically close the door to the balcony. Never did I once remember during that thirty seconds of wakefulness that I had set the alarm in order to see the Lunar Eclipse.

Yet today, as if to make it up to me missing the Eclipse, I saw two sights that I both readily yet sadly ( well , in one case ) commit to memory. The first was to see the intricate and florid patterns on the wings of a dying dragonfly. How elegant the gentle sweeping of its paper wings, yet like a dying swan that refuses to relinquish its pride, the dragonfly held its wings up until its death, forever frozen; One of the most elegant creatures of skies, or it would be if it didn't fly in such an erratic manner. Yet one cannot deny that the angular and vaguely alien patterns on the dragonfly's wings is a beauty to behold. This memory shall remain with me for today at least.

The second sight was that of a bird with a bright yellow plumage with black wings and crest. Needless to say, I was enthralled by the very sight of this bird. Anyone who knew me enough can attest to my vulnerability to distraction by the local wildlife (inclusive of beetles, very much to the disgust of my PW teacher, as I found out about five weeks ago), save spiders and a selected (and accursed) few insects which I would view with nothing but revulsion. I paused for quite a while, inching closer to get a better look of this rare sight. The bird didn't take too kindly to a huge bipedal creature leaning towards it and hopped behind a leaf, much to my dismay.

Well, apart from that, there's nothing much worth mentioning, other than the fact that I spent just over 15 mins at the Popular bookstore searching for 41 line per page lecture pad. Succumbing to the need to return home to finish and submit an essay that was already due (yesterday in fact), I ended up buying a 100 page 35 line per page(pfft) lecture pad. 35 lines... no longer will my one and a half page essays look impressive(In my opinion, small and orderly handwriting reflects major consideration in penning down one's thoughts).

Also, due the reluctance of the members of the X-country team that were of the fairer sex to join the guys for lunch, Kenn Siang and Lester too decided to part ways. So I ended up having lunch with Kenneth. An interesting discussion on current teaching methods (a discussion that stemmed from a temperate complaint about PW)arose, and I must say, Kenneth does have some rather interestingly idealistic views. He offered to buy me a beverage at Starbucks after I had ordered, a $7.40 beverage I might add, but I declined. It took quite some effort to do so, but I found it strange to have to accept such an offer from a friend. Not that I was unappreciative of his goodwill of course. So here it goes, thank you.

A boring ubiquitous (<----I love that word) post about my life.
There will be a second one about my thoughts. As usual ^ ^

2011-06-15T00:32:00.001+08:00

I reckon my mind was better made to observe the world than to take part in it. Interesting.

2011-06-14T00:45:00.002+08:00

I can't help but feel that a portion of my brain is ... sealed off. In the past, when I contemplated on subjects such as behavioural analysis, discussing it with Amos and/or Paul, I could feel my brain literally working the problem over, turning it over and over, searching for a brand new perspective to work from. But now, I can only observe the obvious and refer to the conventional breakdown of that behaviour. No longer am I able to uncover new perspectives.

And once again, allow me to whine a little. It took me just over 30s to recall the word conventional. I was thinking `mainstream' , `ubiquitous' but those weren't the words I wanted. I wanted the word `conventional'. The diminishing capability of my mind to call forth such superlatives troubles me. Furthermore, reading through my GP essays frustrates me. I can no longer coherently expound on the ideas that I am required to develop and elaborate in the essay. In fact, I have no idea what I am writing about. Yes, my command of the English language does give me a rather decent score for the language section of the marking scheme. But that is not satisfactory. Knowing that I am capable of greater only serves to frustrate me. I am losing my touch, with everything, save running. And chem... I was never good at that. And well, except Chinese.

And once again, I cannot tell whether it is a delusion that my command of the few main subjects has indeed weakened. Or has it merely been warped memories that is the root cause of this frustrations? The only thing I know for certain is that access to my internal lexicon has been restrained... Oh Good Lord.. I hate that feeling.

Tian En: Actually, I can't quite understand the last part too. Zafon leaves too many parts hanging, resulting in the garbled and bewildering ending. I interpreted the return of Christine(was that her name?) as imaginary, that David has somehow lost his mind.

WP : No, the subconscious is scary. You cannot know what is truly inside of you. That is the problem.

2011-06-13T17:33:00.002+08:00

When you fall asleep texting and dream of being awake texting (false awakening), you have no idea which you actually sent and received and which are those you dreamt that you sent and received.

Moral of story : Do not put phone next to you when you sleep, especially if you have malfunctioning phone that only saves SOME messages.. which kinda adds to the problem.

No seriously. Conscious VS subconscious... problem is, when both have similiar memories, you have no idea which is which. Like kind of how I told my dad that I didn't want to go out and eat breakfast only to wake up and want to go out and eat breakfast but knowing that if I had been actually awake to answer my dad's question coherently, which I might or might not have, I would have said yes. The problem is that I `remember' telling my dad no (something that might have happened in my dreams or in real life), so I have no idea if my dad even came into my room asking if I wanted breakfast..... And I would appear insane to ask my dad for the morning's proceedings... Good Lord.. I have got to train myself to be a light sleeper again.

2011-06-07T01:51:00.002+08:00

There's just so many things to be afraid of. Apprehensive rather.

Nowhere to hide from the grasp of uncertainty. Nowhere at all.

2011-06-03T22:16:00.003+08:00

A black mark on the eye starts with an insult. A black mark on your face starts with `I wonder what will happen if I put a suction cup on my face'.

The latter was exactly what I did... Well curiosity hit the dog.

Been feeling vaguely melancholic lately. There's this constant sepulchral feeling around, and I've no idea why. On the bright side, I finally managed to play Bouree in E minor with an unbroken flow, albeit a few mistakes.

And it turns out there's no need for me to buy a new pair of shoes and sandals anymore!! Contact cement!! ^ ^ Works like a charm in fixing shoes (and sandals).

Curse this constant weight on my heart. I'm kind of betting it's existential dread (or angst in layman's terms).

Or maybe... I'm just tired. Probably. Well.

I'll post a poem soon. Time to reignite the fires that burned within me. The embers still glow, casting a glimmering light onto the cave walls, an emblem of hope for the weary who hope to seek the sun.

2011-05-31T23:44:00.002+08:00

Morning diarrhea. Strikes every now and then. But just happened that it coincided with training today. So I decided not to train. In the morning that is.

Training at night is fantastic. The long run is indescribably relaxing. No sun searing its impression into your retinas, no curious looks from onlookers for those who are more self-conscious, maybe just the occasional glance when you run past a bus stop.
Which was exactly what I did. According to mapmyrun.com I did about 12.7, which is improbable. I probably did around 11.

Oh, and funnily enough I met Janell, my senior, while running. She was with her friends, who lived near me I supposed ( I ran past them again when they had sent her off). Talk about a coincidence. Singapore is just so small.

Doing core alone is really tough. If I didn't take breaks I doubt I would've been able to complete it alone. Boring as hell.

I can't believe I skipped cross-outing.... well at least I got a majority of my new GPP done at Weng Sun's house (once again, curses to the teacher that rejected my VALID yet apparently `not unique enough' first GPP, although I do acknowledge your goo intentions)

Econs lecture was hilarious, although I would have appreciated if the lecturer didn't comment on me being her `favourite boy' in front of three other classes (an absurdly awkward comment to make for me, considering the fact that I still failed to answer her question correctly).

Training with Ervin tomorrow at NP : ) I really miss that dude. Despite the random....hugs(yes, it's gay I know, but I didn't ask for it) I used to get from him in secondary school, it's these kind of things that I actually miss. Philos love among all friends. Give-and-take friendships... ( especially food.... ONLY food)

2011-05-30T16:02:00.002+08:00

Gotta love google. After days of gargling and attempting to induce coughing in order to get rid of a certain irritant stuck at the back of my throat, a bit of googling has revealed that what was in fact stuck in my throat was a tonsil stone. After using a metal tool to gouge it out from my tonsil cavity, my throat feels a lot better.

Furthermore, my bad breath for the past few days had apparently been caused by that.. thing. I flushed it down the toilet ( should've taken a picture of it first) but to give you an idea of how large it is, I would estimate its diameter to be about the radius of a 5-cent coin. Yucky isn't it. And it smells bad.. really bad.. Like... concentrated bad breath.

The good news is that there is apparently no known cause of tonsil stones sooo... you can take joy in knowing that the monstrosity I had just removed from my tonsil cavity ( and could be forming in yours) is not due to a lack of oral hygiene.

And yay, the scratchy feeling at the back of my throat is gone!!

Once again, thank you google.

Disclaimer: Should a tonsil stone form in your throat, the author of this post is not responsible for any consequences that could arise due to similar attempts at removing it. This post is by no means advice on how to remove tonsil stones. Any action taken by readers based on this post is taken at their own risk.

I have always wanted to type that ^ :D

2011-05-28T21:49:00.002+08:00

Seeing yourself in the actions of strangers sometimes brings back memories. Interesting.

To deviate from matters that confound the mind ( mostly just mine), the first semester has been... fair. In retrospect, I should have at least tried to study for my tests. At least I'm on track with my tutorials ( I think or rather, I hope). I didn't fare well for the tests and assignments. Mostly a bunch of Ds and Es ( with one S).

Today was a blast. The carnival was insanely fun. And the turnout was epic. And more people took an interest in my cell's game than I expected. The game was simple. A 5X5 grid with 12 matching pairs of poker cards placed at random and 1 joker. The players had 1 minute to memorize the arrangement. Once that one minute was up, we would flip all the cards around and they would have to open up consecutive pairs of cards. Failure to do so would result in a penalty of one pair and a strike. Three strikes and they are out. Opening the joker would achieve the same.

Most people tried their hand at the game in pairs and trios. It was pretty simple for those groups I guess. But what shocked me was a young girl that tried the game alone (she was maybe 10-12 years old). She completed the game with only 1 mistake... To put this achievement in perspective, a fifty year old man tried and only managed to score 1 pair. The girl, a fifth of his age, scored 11 pairs. Shocking. Somehow I suspected she had eidetic memory.... Lucky her.

Well, my guitar calls. My dad just passed me two books of tabs ^ ^

2011-05-28T21:26:00.003+08:00

Regret.

Whither can I shelter from
contrivance of my thoughts
A slave I shall forever be
To silent inner discord.

Claws of somber memories
Rake me from within
An absence of the actions
that would please my fallen kin.

Who would I be now? Our minds always entertain the ubiquitous notion of `what if'?
Reminisce and smile. Never be sad it is over. Always give thanks that it happened.

2011-05-26T22:39:00.003+08:00

Absconding to the dark fringes of reality, I rooted myself within walls of music and ignorance. Beneath the quiescent countenance lay a seething mass of thoughts embroiled in an incessant struggle with feelings. Neither could provide leeway, for to do so would certainly do well to request for the approach of the corollary that which deals with the subversion of the mind and the like.

As I placed my guitar down, leaving only the gentle humming of my devices to offer my ears a reason, the motif of a book recently read surfaced into my consciousness. Stricken with memories of analogous incidences of introspection, I willfully stretched my hand towards the harbour of my knowledge. Plucking a single book from that tree of knowledge, familiar yet distant feelings of envy and admiration arise in me. The aforementioned motif once again surfaces, reminding me of the agony so elaborately described, felt by the main character when admiration is overcome by envy and the reluctance to produce a work of seemingly inferior quality is borne.

An extremely evil post. I never forgot the feelings I had when I read the other poems within the lit. class blog. Thankfully, only feelings of admiration (mostly admiration. Like... 1% envy? ) could be remembered. Not like Vidal in `The Angel's Game', who was so overcome by grief in his inability to produce a work similar in quality compared to his friend.

2011-05-18T02:28:00.002+08:00

Alas, amid the staunch resolutions to be less frivolous five months past, here I am, completing an essay that was due a week ago. Despite having a near perfect work record for the first three months, I fear I am starting to fall prey to the eager hands of sloth and its charms. Initial aspirations to be one of the few that do well in the first half drop to a whim to merely pass rather than a conscious effort.

While aphorisms and quotes ran through my veins half a year ago, I now find myself struggling to even comprehend the teachings of the tutor. And it is, regrettably a subject which I once was thought to have a flair for. Shall I blame this on the absence on those who used to refract my ideas against? Or is this a result of a lack of resolve and the constant pining for past company. Or perhaps is it, a thought I once threw to the wind a couple months ago, the imprints left on me by those whom I fraternize now daily.

A sincere sliver of myself longs not for the latter to be veritable but I cannot deny that I still frown upon many things I see, although I know myself not to be in a position to pass unbiased judgments.

What is apparent however, and not merely the wanderings of my mind, is that less work is being completed and the determination to fathom every surge of information I need to possess dwindles or hopefully has already dwindled and has ceased to do so. I only have myself to blame though for poor management of time. But I also know that despite myself once possessing the depth of willpower to sit and finish a book in five hours with only my mind and position shifting to satiate the calls of nature(as I have done with various books), I can now barely sit silently but alertly without succumbing to the Morpheus' arts.

I trust that I can utilize the up and coming month of rest and hopefully islanded study to get me back in the race. Much introspection awaits me in the next month.

2011-05-16T22:07:00.002+08:00

They say that the absence of light results in darkness. But they forget. The sharpest shadows are born of the brightest lights.

2011-04-18T02:42:00.003+08:00

All through the house only muted breaths were heard. On the top floor though, the scratching of a pencil's lead could be heard. Occasionally, the scratching paused, giving way to the gentle trembling of a table as the boy sought to correct his error. Pausing, he glanced out the sliding door that led out to a balcony. Recalling fond moments held deep within both his heart and mind, he stood up slowly and, retrieving a key from behind the door, unlocked the grille that separated him from the backdrop that all activities took place against. Slowly, he shuffled out and gazed up at the clear blue cast on which glinting stars could be seen perched on the unperceived rafters of the eternal ceiling that lay overhead. Climbing onto the parapet of the balcony, he slowly lowered himself onto his back, taking much caution to keep half his mass towards the inner surface. Reverting his gaze back onto the sky, he felt the cool wind brush over him in silence, reminding him of things that had been, might have been and could soon be. He smiled, his thoughts wrapped in shrouds as mysterious to him as the skies above.

2011-04-17T22:18:00.002+08:00

Some people talk about `coming out of the shell', or finding their `inner self'. Sometimes, we break the shell only to find that we are the shell and there is nothing within.

2011-04-13T23:53:00.002+08:00

A fortnight since my last post. Well, almost a fortnight rather. I fear to admit that my command of the English language as well as the ability to think like a Literature student has diminished without the `sharpening' skills of Jordan and Justin. I can always provide the raw material, but I need them to process it into a usable product, namely, enough substance to formulate a paragraph in an essay. I am at quite a loss without them.

As I sit here, with only three minutes before the dawning of another day and an incomplete Literature essay for company, I reflect on the year before and I smile, as warm memories of debates during Literature class, facilitated by the only teacher I have found almost perfectly competent in teaching Literature, Mr Sim, fill my mind. Look here. Even my prose is nothing compared to what I had written last year. Even my vocabulary has become...mediocre. Pathetic.

The flow of inspiration that had driven me to write poems has long stopped, I have ceased to be awed by nature. In the past, as I walk home alone, I always could find it within myself to compose a poem that I would forget upon entering the threshold of my house. But now, my mind is merely filled with thoughts of school,with memories, and with assignments. What a bother.

Although, on a brighter note, regret of quitting badminton has faded into my memories. I feel so much more at home running. I still miss the thrill of badminton. But somehow, I never felt quite right playing Badminton at ACJC. Maybe it was simply Vighnesh that provided the preponderance of rush that would liken every match played with him to a drug. I'm sure things will be different if he was in ACJC. But he followed in the footsteps of all the best players and went to poly. Strange really. I cannot remember who told me but his/her words were of how the best shuttlers always went to poly. Interesting phenomenon, if true. Well, enough of shuttling, I'll just train hard to run now.

2011-03-31T20:32:00.002+08:00

Well, I've quit badminton. After 5 years of shuttling,I quit. Sigh. I never do complete anything.....
Now, running. Simply running.

Run, don't stop. Don't ever stop.

2011-03-25T23:50:00.002+08:00

It's been a long while since I last updated with a decent post.
I attended Cross Country Training during the March Holidays. I've decided to swap over to cross country once the badminton season is over. I feel more at home there. Plus, I actually have a future running. Unlike badminton.
Really could feel a bond between the cross people, another thing Jie told me about. The cross team also seems to be closer, or maybe I'm not spending enough time with the badminton people. But heck. I'm dead set on changing CCA.

Didn't do that well for Nationals. 24th , and 17 mins flat. 25 seconds away from 20th position. Sigh..... There's next year! And this time, I shall have trained hard.

I might not even be playing for the school for badminton at all. Was quite.... pissed. I mean, come on. The reason I gave for not running Track and Field was because it clashes with the badminton season. You tell me the doubles hasn't exactly been finalized yet, but you told the four assigned players to drill and I just sat there , like.. wth? Running with Bryce made me feel better. Or rather, running made me feel better. Did 22.5sec/100m for 800 ,then 2 X 400 , then 4 X 200. Hit every timing. Well, it would be considered slack for cross. And Bryce really has the fitness. Wonder why he doubts his endurance.

Rested a while, then did 2.4km cause I felt like it.... 9.12 at an easy pace. Perfect. I reckon I can hit sub 8.25 if I push to the limit.

That's the latest on my sports life. =) / :(

I still fear much socially. I guess you can consider it a sin, as I fear what people think of me , rather than what God would think of me. Perhaps not quite so around some, but once I part ways with them, I `review' all I did and worry incessantly. Futile and pointless, but I guess that's.. me. I still would point this extreme insecurity as a result of what happened last time. But maybe I just changed into who I am now AS the event a year and a half ago happened. Cause and effect? Or just coincidence. No point thinking now right?

That's on friendships.

I haven't written a poem in weeks. I feel dead on the inside, and really exhausted at times. Mentally and physically. No drive to write a poem. Sigh.

Low self-esteem today. Random thoughts popped up. `Just quit all sports, Imma fail it all' and `I probably gonna retain' were among them, but not the worse. Probably cause of the super long day I had... Ugh. TGIF but Fridays have the worst schedule.
And now, to complete chemistry before I sleep.

2011-03-15T22:54:00.000+08:00

Maybe I should just stick to playing Classical....
Really screwed up chords.... ugh.

2011-03-03T21:55:00.001+08:00

Canon in D. Playing it never ever fails to bring my spirits back up from depressed to melancholic.

2011-02-28T22:04:00.002+08:00

And every sentence, every word has a consequence. I always wonder what it will be. Sometimes, no response. I worry too much.

2011-02-25T22:03:00.000+08:00

As was often said in the Baroque period.

Life is a theater.

2011-02-16T22:50:00.000+08:00

It's one thing not to have confidence in yourself. It's quite another to worry excessively about the future.

2011-02-05T18:05:00.001+08:00

Paranoia. Interesting.

2011-02-03T23:37:00.003+08:00

I've read the first four chapters of `Sophie's world'. A remarkable book, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet. But it does agree with an idea I conceived about a month ago, except that in the book, it is a lot more detailed than I was when I thought about it. Not exactly the same idea, but based on similar principals.
So basically, what I was thinking was. We start `dying' once we're born, hence rendering us incapable of being astonished by the simplest things. We start to lose our sense of wonder. `Sophie's world' mentions something similiar, except that they define losing the `sense of wonder' as `taking the world for granted'. The world we exist in starts to become a `constant'. Despite various changes each day in our lives, we start to get bored of it. We fail to see how the simplest of things are, in their own special way, a wonder to behold.

2011-01-20T00:44:00.002+08:00

I finally managed to write a poem. After months of mediocre thoughts, useless junk thoughts, I finally found something worth writing. Well, at least my mind is ready for literature lessons.

Once again, my dad expressed his disappointment at me `not making money', or rather, not working. Then the whole lump.. `complacency' <--- irrelevant to the topic actually, as complacency isn't a reason why I'm not working.

Then he starts talking about how people who don't listen to the advice of the elders.. blah blah. Starts talking about how he is tired of telling me to sleep early. Honestly, as long as my mental capabilities aren't compromised, I don't really care.

Nolo cndereonte

2011-01-12T21:35:00.001+08:00

Things are changing. Too much and too fast.

2011-01-11T03:03:00.003+08:00

Silence amongst enemies, soon before the storm.
Silence amongst the family, misunderstandings at hand.
Silence amongst friends, for lack of fruitful speech
But silence between us, is what I miss and cherish.

2011-01-11T02:39:00.001+08:00

The tone of Lagrima. It's true for the past two years.

2010-12-30T01:33:00.000+08:00

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur

2010-12-14T01:43:00.003+08:00

I finally got the shirt that I needed for Christmas eve service :)
Although more money than I expected changed hands<---- from this , you might infer that I DIDN'T pay for the shirts. My sisters did, well, kinda , as my dad passed them the money.

2010-12-14T01:23:00.002+08:00

Though yet, I have not understood, nor have I gotten the answers to the questions that I ponder over hour after hour, day after day, nor do I possess the courage to ask. If others shaped you like landscape is broken by the hands of man, that person is a freaking bulldozer.

2010-11-17T14:00:00.003+08:00

Awesome week so far. Played pool with Jowell and Kelvin on Monday. Did decently, I'm improving :D
Ran 5km and COULD HAVE ran further.. but my stomach begged to differ. Ran home and used the toilet XD

On Tuesday, went for the book launch, did some random stuff here and there with Martin and Paul. And Moses Lim is a wonderfully engaging speaker! Plus, the food was superb! Auntie Suet Fong's Fruit cheesecake was... heavenly. I shall now describe it in detail.

The bright colours of the cheesecake already foreshadowed the pleasant experience of eating it. When you first take a bite(after eating the fruit toppings), the one thing that will linger on your mind is `this ISN'T like normal cheesecake'. The texture of the cheese portion was somewhat like a jelly, but still inching towards the `solid' side. Basically, it melts in your mouth, and the juice from the fruit above it left a wonderful fruity aftertaste. The base was also perfect, crunchy and yet, not too hard. Soft enough to savour.

And according to Edward, that wasn't his mother's best. Wow.... No wonder Edward is so... nevermind.

Anyway, Bo Wen called me halfway through the event to ask me to go play badminton at 3 o'clock. So, after the event and the miscellaneous work ( cleaning up, folding tables , blah blah) , went to Warren. Only when I reached there did Bo Wen call me again and say that Joel postponed it to 7 o'clock... With plenty of time of my hands, I didn't really mind, so I went to Lot 1 library to meet Bo Wen. Sat there playing my PSP ( I was taking a break from books) then met up with Joel to have dinner. Went to Warren and started playing. Needless to say, I was out of form and although my strokes are about 70% back, my footwork was slower too. It didn't help that I ran 5km the day before and strained my left thigh muscles last Friday XD.

Came home and was down with some horrid cold (I got caught in the rain) that kept me up well into the night. I woke up at random intervals to sneeze. I remember sneezing so hard, my mucus had blood in it. Woke up this morning feeling REALLY bad... Nose and throat was sooo dry. But I didn't have a cough or a fever. Thank God :)
Will be staying home today :(

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur. How true.

2010-11-13T00:15:00.003+08:00

For crying out loud, leave me ALONE. Okay, first, calling me into your room to ask me to go take your laptop up and a beverage. okay, noted. Your knee is injured, it's difficult for you to carry your laptop , along with other things up to your room.
No thanks said.

Then, you asked me to, when I'm just about to take a shower, to SMS my sister, something you can EASILY do yourself, to tell her to call you when she's reaching home.

Then after I take a shower, you call me into your room AGAIN to ask me whether my sister is home. How the hell will I know? I just came out.

Then, you call me into your room AGAIN to tell me about something you already told me earlier as if I'd forget.

Then, started a conversation about guitar. Okay. Talked about John Williams. So I left the room and started to play my guitar AGAIN. Then you called me into your room just to show me a friggin picture of John Williams?

Look, I know that your room is like.. 3m away, but I don't appreciate you asking me to do things for you that you can easily do yourself WITHOUT being appreciated. No thanks, no sign of gratitude. Yes I'm your son.. but not a servant.

Furthermore, I absolutely DETEST people disturbing me for random STUPID things when I'm playing a song halfway. It spoils my mood.

Then I complain to you about it. Then you start to talk about how you have to fetch me to school and tuition. You didn't mention it, but I intercepted the argument and fought it straightaway , shutting you up. Which, also brings me to another point that if required, I go anywhere MYSELF. Even if it's raining, I'd rather walk 1.2km home in the rain, which I have in many occasions, rather than call you to pick me up.

For goodness sake, stop disturbing me for trivial matters. Especially when I'm playing my guitar.... ESPECIALLY THAT.

2010-11-09T03:18:00.000+08:00

Shake off Paranoia , Shake off all doubt. Just do and say what you feel. Ask no guarantees, there is never any certainty.

2010-11-07T20:59:00.002+08:00

Printed quite a decent lot of tabs. Those alone should suffice in keeping me occupied for the next 2 to 3 weeks. I hope. There's none as foolhardy as a youth with much time on his hand and no burden on his shoulders.

2010-11-05T16:53:00.002+08:00

I've lost the spark that has long driven me to write poems. But no matter, every now and again, it disappears. I'm used to it. For now, I'll revert back to boring old posts, formless creatures that have no features to call their own.

I've been keeping a diary, one that I would occasionally type stuff in when I feel like it. Yes, it's a notepad document. Geeky I know, but more secure than paper ever could be. I used to think that I had to guard my thoughts, that should anyone grasp my diary, he or she would be able to figure out my inner workings and turn it against me. Fanciful thoughts , I know. Foolish, but I guess it is such that is the power of the mind.

On another note,

I've had two dreams. One last night, and another the night before. The first was about something I cared greatly about. The second was about something I hated the most. It's weird, but apparently the second dream took place within the internet browser; It appeared to me as though I was reading other people's walls. Of course, one person's name turns up often, each comment of his I read exhibits a certain trait that I detest about him. As I wrote this, my mind wandered back to something Justin once told me about the person he `loves' ( I put this verb in quotation marks because we can never be sure of what we feel, especially at this age) . He told me `I don't know if I like her, or the thought of her'. I never understood it completely, but perhaps, now I do. I can never hate that person truly, I can only hate the thoughts of that person.

Sometimes, I feel that the observations of a mere `child' far surpasses that of adults.

On to the other dream. I don't know how it started, but when I entered the dream, I was on the third floor of a certain building. For some reason, I knew that I had jumped from the fourth to the third floor. I'm guessing this referred to my innate desire to learn free running. But anyway, I landed on the balcony and entered a room. Sitting, braced against the wall, was someone I would say, I knew to quite an extent, and the person appeared to be what we now call `emo-ing'. Needless to say, I was once again apprehensive, as always when dealing with this person(even in real life), to express my concern, and left the room. The other events within the dream made no sense, so I shall presume that they were merely `trash' content.

Strange huh. Most people rarely remember our dreams. Yet I had remembered the dreams of 2 consecutive nights that had a somewhat significant content rating to me.

Well. That's all I have to say. Back to Social Studies.

2010-10-17T23:20:00.003+08:00

I was just thinking about how we feel about people, and I thought of something I call `emotional association'. Basically , it's when your subconscious mind becomes so accustomed to thinking certain thoughts that invoke various emotions when you see a person that when there is no longer any reason to continue feeling such emotions, you will still feel the same way when confronted with the `trigger' person.

Will delve deeper into it when I have pondered upon this subject a tad longer. So far , this is all I have

2010-10-08T21:31:00.002+08:00

Auntie Joyce returned me a book I had lent her : The Shadow of the Wind. All I can say of this book is that it is utterly amazing. I came across much quotes that basically summed up a good deal of my thoughts within sentences. Here's one I've often pondered.

`Sometimes one feels freer speaking to a stranger than to people one knows. Why is that?'
`Probably because a stranger sees us the way we are, not as he wishes to think we are.'

Awesome stuff.

2010-09-13T20:01:00.002+08:00

You speak as if you know all the errors I committed in the history prelims and consulting your `oh so great' friend who works with the OMG MINISTRY OF EDUCATION will help me instantly correct those errors WHICH , I already know where I had gone wrong , thanks to my `supposedly less competent' school teacher who only works with THE SCHOOL.

Well, got back my results, pretty decent marks.

English : Well. No idea how I fared. Haven't gotten back anything else other than paper 2 for it. 37/50

Emath : 65/80 paper 1. :D But then paper 2... 66/98. What a waste.. At least I still got my A2 , bleah..

Amath : Only got back paper 1, which , by God's grace, I'm approx top 10 in class. 52/80. When I counted the marks during the paper, I supposedly left out and got wrong about 29 , marks. But somehow I still got 52. PTL :D

History : 31/50 , screwed up one essay and 1 SBQ question that cost me dearly. Refer to above for rant.

SS : No idea..

Lit: No idea ..

Chem : No idea , don't wanna know either.

Physics : Sucks. 65%. I'm second in class though. AGAIN. I've been second for almost every single test and exam since sec 3.... And always bested by a different person.

2010-08-20T20:08:00.002+08:00

Well, today I didn't have to go to school, as I don't take geog and POA and have no need to attend those exams today.

Only eventful thing was..

Well , so I lay down for a nap at about 6, then suddenly I felt like I couldn't move, I was thinking very consciously. My arms were at the side and my mouth was open. I tried to close it but couldn't, I tried to bring my arms together as well, but couldn't......Then I had this strange perception of me being covered in some black stuff, and an extremely increasingly loud blaring noise that was not unlike standing at the end of an airfield and having a plane go towards you and soar over your head, the noise was terrific. It reached a crescendo twice, then the blackness thingy went away, then I `woke up'( I had no idea if I was dreaming or truly awake...)

Possible causes:
1) Sleep paralysis syndrome....
2) Demonic attack....
3) Lucid dreaming

Seriously, having done research on sleep paralysis, I never thought it would happen to me... But the strange thing was , I wasn't panicking.. I didn't `wake up' sweating, but I was rather calm and I can clearly remember thinkng `If this is a demonic attack, I should call kar foon after this'. I didn't of course... But I also remember thinking... `Oh shit... you can't be serious...' then, wondering if it was demonic attack, I remembered thinking `out loud' (I couldn't move my mouth) `In the name of Jesus ...' But I couldn't feel any evil or otherworldly presence around me.

To imagine this , try and remember what if feels like when you know you're awake but can't get yourself out of bed or move.. Yeah , that feeling, but imagine that is happening , your mind isn't groggy and fully aware and you're actually STRAINING to try and get up. But no discernible movement or results and you can't move... I can imagine that's what being a vegetable feels like...

Of course, when I `woke up' I stayed on my bed for 5 mins thinking over what had happened. And the next thing I did as I scrambled out of bed was to pray..... \

But, I did not feel any overwhelming sense of terror or anything, so.. I can it was a dream. At least.. I hope it is...

2010-08-10T21:33:00.001+08:00

Fallaces sunt rerum species

Always more than one way to look at things though.

2010-08-10T21:01:00.001+08:00

Omg , that new song that I'm crazy about and spending lots of time practicing actually means Son of the Virgin , it's a Catalan (?? what's this) folk song.

Intriguing.

2010-08-09T23:40:00.001+08:00

Acta est fabula, plaudite!

Yes I shall.

2010-05-17T23:27:00.002+08:00

Well, this is it. Screwed up my exams.

English : About 10-12th in level , 3rd in class, BUT B3....

Chinese : Fared quite well , 60 for main papers and 65 overall , and it was a hard paper. :D

A math : What's there to say. I passed at least . 51.5 , whew.

Physics : 74 , A2.... I'm 2nd.... or 3rd.... depends on who you want to put first , me or Justin , we both got the same :D

Hist : 66 , amazing considering I studied half an hour for the SEQ

Chem : 43 , failed (duh)

Now awaiting E math and LIT!! :D I hope I did fine, I studied hard for Lit.

2010-05-13T18:09:00.000+08:00

The last of my major exams have come to an end, Literature 2 ended today. I should do fairly for that one. :)

Chemistry MCQ.. well , no comment.

All that's left is Physics MCQ and Chinese LC :).

Today's morning assembly, was about prayer.. Gotta love prayer:) Helps whenever , wherever, forever.

Playing my guitar.

2010-05-11T16:03:00.003+08:00

Don't you just hate walking on the path when you have no control at all? Where everything, anyone, anything does will affect you, yet you can't do a single thing about it? That helpless feeling of being inflicted blow after blow, with tremulous cadence, the world on you. Letting my mind flow to random stuff, seeing where it will go, and I shall run after it.

2010-05-11T15:58:00.000+08:00

I always wondered. Do I mean as much to you as you mean to me? Nay,I reckon not, of course. But then again, perspectives are rather queer things. And thoughts sometimes don't make sense, even to the person that let them exist. But just let them dwell in your mind, and like a mammoth frozen beneath the ice,the ice has to thaw slowly before you see what it is on the inside.

2010-05-10T22:31:00.002+08:00

Finally, done with major papers.

All that's left are `easy' papers, Literature and MCQ.

So basically all I have to do is 4-5 essays and write 60 numbers before I'm done. Hope I can do well in Literature this time.

Cause I'm content watching things as the third person, the observer and will do nothing when not required to. :) Kinda like being in PA, all they do is watch and tweak things :D haha.

2010-05-09T00:04:00.002+08:00

Someone asked me something yesterday.
She asked : Have you ever missed someone?

I replied : Yep

The reply was: Pain right?

Yes indeed, of course it hurts. But the difference between me and her is that she would see the one she misses soon. I can't.

I would play you a song that I learnt, the very first guitar song that I learnt, if you were here. Dad told me once that when I played the piano, you'd sit on the sofa and listen to me until you fell asleep listening. At first, throughout those years, I thought you were just checking on me, making sure I was practicing. Little did I know. I only found it out after Dad told me some time after you went home. That's why I would want to play you a song.

Happy Mothers' Day.

2010-05-06T18:03:00.002+08:00

A different kind of silence.

Well, nobody reads this I guess. But it's a nice place to post my thoughts anyway.

Silence, what is it to you? Peace? The perfect studying environment? Well, to me , there are different kinds of silence.

Firstly, there's the silence which we all know of, quiet, peace, the lack of noise or any distractions. The silence that touches you and embraces you within its cold arms. The silence of peace. This is the silence you find when you are about to fall asleep, when your lashes feel like lead weights, dragging your eyelids down. You find solace and peace in the act of being dead while alive, figuratively of course.

I don't feel like writing about anything else.. except.. well maybe another topic.

The human mind really is wonderful, I see one thing and create a whole story out of it, but that makes me really paranoid. Ah well, just gotta wait and see.

2010-04-27T19:39:00.001+08:00

`Maybe, perhaps, just maybe', whispered quietly the gentle warm breeze that brushed by my ear, tousling my hair and moving on gently following the winding stream that twisted it's way down plain.

A bit of peace.

2010-04-25T23:06:00.002+08:00

Oh gosh , didn't that sound familiar. Just seemingly like you took inspiration from the note I wrote you once. Once, one time, a long while ago.

Well, anyway , gotta love my friends :) Sherrill, Caleb, Christine, Hazel, Cheryl :)

Thanks for the cake and the surprise :)

Just wanna smile with the sun shining on my face and the wind in my hair. Unfortunately... the sun is either too strong, or the wind is of hot air....

Remember this prayer, I told someone. But I didn't. It's time for me to now remember.

Dear God,

Please grant me the SERENITY to accept what I cannot change,
The COURAGE to change what I can
And the WISDOM to know the difference.

Amen

2010-04-25T00:29:00.003+08:00

Sports day, what can I say??
4X 400m interclass - 2nd, nice one guys

Went for badminton training afterwards. Initially, I played pretty well, then I started to get trashed by my juniors ( technically , people that have joined Coach Lee's training later than I did , I consider my juniors) .

Got really fed up as
1.They weren't winning by luck, they were actually beating me.
2.They don't train more than me; I build my physical up more than them.
3.Other than strength, I'm faster, more agile and jump higher.
4.I've been training 1-2 years longer than them.

In short, I suck.

Spent about 1h so far drawing a birthday card for a pair of close friends :) They share the same birthday. I'm half done XD. THIS is why I'm not going to draw a birthday card EVER again... it's less tiring to buy one.

Thinking, rethinking, once again thinking.. you've got to be kidding me.

2010-04-25T00:20:00.002+08:00

Laughing at what people think they know but knowing that they don't and knowing what's real and what's not.

2010-04-20T20:00:00.002+08:00

Nightmares are beautiful. You wake up feeling relieved, in the knowledge that it didn't happen.
Beautiful dreams are nightmares. You wake up knowing it never happened.

Had a nightmare.

2010-04-18T23:51:00.002+08:00

Lying is easy. Just a quiet whisper through smooth lips, or just a few words on MSN without facial expression being seen, easy. And that is a bad thing.....

Savour each moment, the happiness, the anguish, the sadness, the triumph, the agony, the pain, the melancholy, the euphoria. Breathe in the moods, the atmosphere, the air and KNOW that you are alive, and know that God created you to live this life and live IT TO THE FULLEST IN CHRIST ALONE!

2010-04-06T20:32:00.001+08:00

Ah... well, this a fair change eh? I'm posting with less than 3 days after my previous one! Awesome huh? Well? no....

I'm worried to pieces over steeplechase , I don't even know how to run it..
Sucks...

Ah well , today's lit was fun.. THanks for mangling my first point beyond repair Mr Sim XD At least my other points were valid. Heck well...